I have this fear. I am terrified to not consistently make the best choices. I grew up in a high performance family, in a high performance town, with grandparents that were extremely fiscally responsible. To top it off, my parents split up when I was a tween–and I lived trying to not add to the conflict (did anyone watch the New Girl when, in a flashback, tiny little girl Zooey/Jess was tap dancing and singing Cheap Trick’s Surrender to lighten the mood between her arguing parents??).
I try to do right by everyone, all the time. Can I tell you something you probably already know? It is an exhausting way to live.
Why am I terrified to make a “less than perfect” decision? I’m certain I simply want to be liked (really, deeply though…loved) and to not rock the boat.
I hate being dictated by fear.
Hoping to make good decisions and hoping to never (ever!) make a mistake are two very different pursuits. I think I have a deep down fear that if I make a mistake, I will lose out on love. Bridging the gap between mistakes, disappointment, and reconciliation has never been a strong point in my family. I’ve carried that tendency into adulthood, sins of our fathers. It’s birthed this great, big, uglier than ugly, disabling fear.
We all know what happens when smoldering patterns aren’t stomped out when recognized…they breed and plumb the depths and send down tenacious roots. I can’t possibly pass that legacy to my children in good conscience…one where my love and affections are earned by living a flawless life.
Will you share what “good” you are giving up on this week? You can link up here or over at Jessi’s.